Hush
by Toboe
Summary: Sometimes there are words that just can't be said, no couldn't be said. Auron x Tidus. Cursing. Angst.


**Disclaimer: **Angst and cursing and guys who like guys. I don't own Final Fantasy 10 or the characters. I only own this story.

**Hush**

Sometimes there are words that just can't be said, no _couldn't_ be said. They were either just too painful and brought back the past or it was simply the fact that there wasn't any way to get on about it.

But this wasn't the case. This was far beyond the point of not wanting to hurt the other's feelings. Its not that Auron was a cruel man but he wanted to save the boy hurt in the long run. But it was funny how it was his job to constantly tell him bad news. Bad news that shouldn't be. He undoubtedly felt bad for the boy and it was his duty to take care of him and make him feel better. This is all he could do as a promise to a friend he made once, a long long time ago.

Auron had come back and he told Tidus that his father, Jecht would never be coming back again.He felt so guilty and he knew Tidus was alone and he could imagine how lonely he must of been when his mother had passed away.But he told him that he was a good man that that he made a choice. Tidus wasn't a little boy that he remembered. When he came back, Tidus grew up, maybe not a man yet but older than the little boy he used to know.

He had hoped that Tidus was more understanding, he told him his dad loved him. But of course, Tidus didn't care. He didn't want to understand, if it was up to him he would forget he even had a father. His hatred for Jecht burned a fury and there was absolutely no was to make him think other wise. Auron felt terrible. Terrible because Jecht wouldn't be able to come back, make up for lost times with his son and fix their relationship. Also because only he knew how much he loved his son. How sorry he was and angry how Tidus wouldn't want to even care about his father who sacrificed his life for the happiness of others. They were both stubborn and they both made his heart wretch.

But Auron wouldn't allow him to show it. His sole duty was to take care of Tidus from now on. And that was what he lived for for the time being. He _wanted_ to be there for him. Be a good father figure if possible.

He wanted to forget everthing that had happened and just live for the moment. He wasn't getting any younger you know?

And then just like that, Auron was gone again. No goodbyes. No explanations. And nowhere to be found. It was as if he had disappeared into thin air. Tidus was miserable all over again.

"Tidus..."

Tidus took a deep breath. A deep breath and then opened his eyes to a gruff voice who called out his name. Ah, yes. The familiar face of the man he knew ever since he was a child. Who he even considered to look up to as a role model. Because his shitty dad wasn't someone to be proud of in his eyes. But after all these years, Auron had abandoned him just as much as his father did and he didn't want to look up to men like that. Still... he was so happy seeing him again...

Tidus had brought Auron out in the middle of the night after everybody had gotten to bed, saying he wanted to talk.

"Do you know how much I thought about you?" Tidus took a deep breath. "How much i've thought about my old man, my mother? It hurt so bad when you too disappeared from me. Left me all by myself. I thought... I thought I was going to suffocate." Tidus stared up at the night sky and into the bright moon, bewitching him.

These words had no emotion in them, he wanted to just let him know. The night was too silent, too silent and Auron didn't say a thing.

"I believed I was alone in the world, but over the years I learned to mend my broken heart and learned to be more dependent on myself... But now you came back... Why did you have to come back now?" He whipped around to face Auron. Face tensed, teeth bared in frustration, nose wrinkled and his fists shaking.

"I just got over everything in my past... but shit! What-what am I supposed to do now! Now that that you're back... I just can't... I just don't know what-!"

Tidus let out a cry and threw punches at Auron's chest out of frustration. Out of repressed feelings of anger and sadness. Auron merely stood there, letting him. He too wanted to feel how bad Tidus must of felt... all alone. Tidus' face became red and he started to hiccuped but never let the tears out.

"I hate you! I hate you and dad and mom!" It was a rare thing for Tidus to even acknowledge Jecht as i dad /i but now as he learned more of him through the long journey him and his friends had taken, he gained an almost respect for his old man despite him becoming the sole evil of the world. Even being sorry for being such a brat. But those were unspoken words. He didn't have to say it, he just threw the half hearted blows. And when Tidus roughly grabbed Auron by his collar, barely being able to lift his feet off the ground he had said-

"I'm sorry."

Tidus shook him like a mad man. "Sorry! What are you sorry for! Don't be sorry! Punch me back, hate me back! I can't stand you Auron, you bring back the bad past, you make me sick!"

Auron didn't know what to say. He didn't know if Tidus had meant those words. But they were true. All he did was come back to bring him bad news, to bring him misfortune that he didn't intend on. But he wanted to help him, he wanted to guide and be there for him to get through these misfortunes. Become a stronger man. "Forgive me." He replied softly.

"Why should I!" Tidus yelled on the top of his lungs and let Auron go, the collar wrinkled and molded the shape of the younger man's angry fists. Then he fell onto his knees and his whole body racked. He was silently sobbing. Auron turned away, he didn't want to see him cry.

"Why should I even forgive you..." He left the quiet question to drift into the silence that followed along.

"I'm sorry" Auron said again before he started to walk away. What else could he say? There was nothing on his mind, but to be sorry. But when he heard his name being called out in such a pathetic sad voice. He stopped.

"Auron... Don't walk away from me." A sniffle. "Don't you dare turn your back on me!" He heard dull poundings on the ground and before he could react, Tidus had ran to him and spun him around until they were face to face. Dark eye meeting tear stricken azure blues. The tears made those eyes more beautiful in a sad sort of way. Without realizing what he was doing, he lifted a leather clad hand and wiped the tears away and then covered those eyes with the hand. Auron took a deep breath.He didn't want to see him this way.

"Don't be such a crybaby." But there was no malice in his voice, it was spoken softly almost comforting.

The hands that grabbed Auron's shoulders trembled and never released. Auron saw a frown and more tears streak down his cheeks, trailing down to his chin. He couldn't feel the tears and couldn't even feel the warmth of them.

"I'm so happy you came back..." Tidus whispered.

Auron was taken back and surprised, it was nice to hear. It was nice...

He gently dropped his hand away from Tidus' face when he had thought he was all cried out and removed the hand that was loosening it's grip on his broad shoulders.

"Its good to be back."

They stood there, silent once more. The words Tidus wanted to say, he had said them all. But for Auron, everything he had wanted to say he knew he couldn't. He shouldn't. He just won't allow himself to show more emotions than he had wanted to. Ever again. What good did it do to throw a tantrum if things weren't going to go the way you wanted them to. He learned that after he had confronted Lady Yunalesca, when he lost his friends. But for Tidus, it was a way to let out all the frustration. Good for him. Let it out he thought. He atleast deserved that much.

He ran his hand over Tidus' hair and sighed. "You used to be so small."

Tidus blushed a little and not because of what Auron said. Sure Auron had pat his head now and then when he was a little boy but this was more intimate. Lovingly as if. Maybe now because he had grown older, pats on the heads were too childish. And even then as a child Tidus had never seen Auron show more signs of affection other than that. Before he could say anything to him Auron was walking away.

But he didn't know how to stop him, if he did was there anything else to say? So he just watched the older man's back as he walked away.

"Get some rest." Auron said over his shoulder and disappeared back to the campsite.

Sleep didn't come so easy for Tidus that night. He was tossing and turning and eyes wide awake in the dark room. He realized that he had been acting foolish towards Auron. He should of been more calm, more like an adult. He had to apologize to him. But after the whole ordeal he was too embarrassed to even think about looking at him. But he knew if he didn't want anymore restless nights, then he would confront him one more time.

Tidus pushed himself off the bed and ran a hand through his hair. Since of their low budget, all the guys had to share one room. Wakka was asleep on the sofa snooring lightly, letting Tidus sleep on the bed. Kimhari always had a habit of sleeping on the floor with his legs and arms crossed. Sometimes he thought Kimhari wasn't even sleeping at all. He stood and deciding that walking over to Auron's room in just his undershorts was inappropriate so he quietly shrugged on his trousers and barefooted he tiptoed out the room. Auron had rented out his own room in the agency saying he would prefer the privacy. Maybe Auron had alot to think about too.

He left his room and shut the door behind him lightly.

Tidus softly knocked and pressed his forehead against door. He held his breath and waited for an answer.

"Come in." He heard the muffled answer from behind the door. He smiled and with a soft click, he turned the knob and pushed the door open. He closed it behind him but he stood there, back against the door.

Auron had kept the lamp on and he was laying in bed. The orange glow of the lamp illuminated the night stand and Auron's shirtless figure. Tidus hadn't noticed how scarred Auron's body had been. They looked deep, they were stories of the past. Healed and they looked as if they were once painful. He never remembered Auron having scars, showed him he went through tough situations over those long few years. He had his arm covering his eyes and the other behind his head. His body looked almost _forlorn_. Tidus hoped he didn't wake him up.

"Hi." He said lamely.

Auron's ears met with the familiar voice and slowly sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and sighed rubbing his eyes. He sat there hunched and finally lifted his face to meet Tidus' a sheepish grin.

"Did I wake you?"

He didn't have his sunglasses on then. This time, he didn't hide the angry scar that splayed over his right eye. He didn't even have the obnoxiously high red collar to hide his face either. Everything about this man seemed to scream out bad ass. His brows always furrowed as if he was angry at the whole world. His brown eye deep and piercing, just like the katana he wields around. Auron changed.

"No."

"I just wanted to say... that I'm sorry." He nodded and finished his sentence awkwardly.

Auron let out a chuckle. "What are you sorry for?" It was almost comical looking at Tidus. He walked into his room with nothing on but his overalls-like trousers. He looked like a kid.

"I'm sorry about before. I shouldn't of..." He noticed Tidus was fidgeting and sighed again.

"Don't act like I'm going to beat you up, and you make me feel like a complete stranger." He laughed at his own words. "But then again, we _are_ complete strangers aren't we?"

"... I don't know." Tidus replied quietly and looked down. Maybe they were strangers. Strangers with only a few common grounds. "I don't hate you Auron." He said.

"You should. You should hate me." Auron always with his stern face and rough voice. He had too much of a tough exterior. There was hardly any emotions in those words.

"I can't hate you." Tidus tightly shut his eyes. "No matter how much I want to... you're the only thing I have left. The only real memory I can hold onto..." He flexed his hands. There was a terrible feeling in his stomach. The pain of knowing he could never go home, he would never see his family again. Never. He was homesick. And looking at Auron, the pain doubled, it made him weak and it made him helpless. He missed too much. He dropped onto his knees.

"Help me." He said weakly.

Auron felt like shit. He was starting to regret even finding Tidus again. He could of easily said,_ 'You have to learn to help yourself. Pick yourself up and stand on your own two feet. Be strong.' _But really... wasn't he already trying? Would it really hurt to help him? Wasn't he _supposed_ to help him? He swore he'd be there for him after all...

"Stand up Tidus." He walked over, his barefeet sticking to the cold floor. He stopped infront of the kneeling figure. "Be a man!"

Tidus stared at the ground and at Auron's feet. _'Be a man huh?'_ He thought he already was a man. Auron had brought out the worst in him. Didn't Jecht always used to tell him to be a man, to grow up, and stop crying?

"I'm sorry." He said again.

Auron growled and then picked Tidus up by the straps of his trousers and lifted him off the ground and to eye level. "You're sorry and then what!" Auron looked hard into his eyes. "When are you ever going to let go! What good does it to linger in the past!"

Tidus looked away. He couldn't keep looking into that eye that was sucking his soul out. It knew the truth and it exposed Tidus.

"Look at me!" Auron's hands trembled with fury. He didn't know why he was acting so angry. Why he was yelling at him, at the person infront of him. Maybe he was mad at himself because he wasn't there to be there for him. He had the burden of a father falling onto his shoulders. He also had the burden of the past as well, and he didn't want Tidus to know the pain they both shared. But it was inevitable. It wasn't fair.

He let Tidus go and muttered a sorry and turned away from him. "Go back to bed. We'll deal with this some other day." He rubbed his temples and sat down on his bed.

"No. Don't just dismiss it like that." He sat down on the bed next to Auron. His voice softened. "I was telling the truth before. I am happy you're back. Really..."

Auron wanted to say _'I'm happy I can see you again too.'_ He wanted to so badly. But what use will it do to tell him? He knew soon he'd have to leave him again, to the Farplanes where he'd meet his past. The people he missed most. This too, was inevitable.

Tidus had seen Auron's face frown. He wanted to know what he was thinking about. There was always something about this man that made him want to peel off his shell and see what makes him tick. He was such an admirable man. He was so strong willed and it was someone Tidus wanted to be like.

"What are you thinking Auron?" He whispered.

Tidus scanned his face for any reaction. His eyes fell on his scar again. He felt so bad. He wondered how he got the scar and if he ever felt miserable over it. To Auron, Tidus' deep blue eyes were so entrancing. Holy almost. As if he wanted to confess everything he had done. Every sin he had commited. He wanted to beg for forgiveness as if begging to a Priest. His boyish face reminded him of the innocence he never had.

"When..?" Before he could stop himself, Tidus brushed his fingers over the scar and his closed eye. Auron hastily grabbed the hand with much force as if the offending hand had stung him. Tidus was surprised at his reaction and stuttered an apology.

He quickly loosened his grip. "It was... a long time ago." But he didn't let the hand go.

"Did it hurt?"

"Once." Auron let his hand go and smirked rubbing his stubble. "I've become an old man. Time has not been good to me."

Tidus didn't deny that Auron had grown older. But his handsome features only grew bolder and it made Tidus' heart skip a beat. He layed his hand on a cheek and studied his age worn face.

"Time has been fair to you." He joked and smiled. "You're the not the Auron I used to remember... the gentle face of a man I've admired." He trailed off. He gently placed his forehead on Auron's bare chest and dropped his hand onto his shoulder, then further to grasp his warm rough hand. Auron's finger twitched.

"Auron..."

"Tidus... don't touch me." He didn't say it harshly. He said it desperately. He welcomed the feeling but he couldn't, he needed to push him away. The way he was being so gentle, the way he was being so kind to him and touching him like he _loved_ him. He felt Tidus' warm breath on his chest and he remember how close he wanted to be to him. Take him under his wings... like a _son_?

He tried pushing him off but Tidus gripped his shoulders and looked up. "Please don't push me away." Tidus' face inched closer to his own and then he panicked.

"Tidus stop... don't do this... to me." This couldn't be happening, he was like a son to him. Right?

"You're just confused." He said. "You don't know what you're doing." He told him. Then Tidus stopped. Auron hoped what he had said registered in his head but Tidus only let out a grief stricken smile.

"Maybe I am just confused..." He looked away, his blue eyes searching for something. "...But," without a warning Tidus leaned in and pressed his lips on Auron's.

Before Auron could react, he slowly back away, eyes slowly opening to Auron's shocked expression. "I needed to make sure... that it wasn't one sided."

Auron didn't want to understand. Shit, this was wrong to him. Fucking wrong... Then why did his heart hurt?

"Enough Tidus... you're only fooling yourself." He shook his head and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He pretended to be disgusted. The relationship they had shouldn't progress any further than the one they shared now. What the hell would he want from an old man like him?

"You don't mean it."

"Get out Tidus." He said sternly. Voice so thick it almost rumbled.

Tidus bit his lip and glared. "Shit! Don't you even understand! I'm fucking expressing how I feel... for _you_!" He climbed ontop of Auron's lap and wraped his arms around his neck. "Whatever is in your head... let it go." He buried his face in the crook of Auron's neck. His voice was shaky. He pleaded.

"You're killing me." Auron said painfully gritting his teeth. He gave in. If Tidus had accepted him... maybe it was ok. He lifted his arms and hesitantly wrapped them around the younger man's back. When his calloused hands brushed the bare skin, he felt him shiver. He held his breath.

"Tidus?"

Tidus had goosebumps. He trailed his hand across Auron's broad back, feeling and mapping all the taught muscles and scars, he could feel the heat well up in his cheeks. He heard Auron's breath slightly hitch and stiffened his body.

For Auron everything felt alien. When he felt those fingers lightly touching and tickling him, he was nervous. He thought this was too taboo. Tidus lifted his head up to Auron's and rested his forehead against his.

"Don't reject me." He said in a breathy whisper. Being the brave one, Tidus leaned in and kissed him again. This time, more softly and waiting for a response.

Auron stared at the face that seemed really lovely at that moment, eyes closed and relaxed, lips pursed against his, he looked so childish. He didn't want to hold back. He only hoped that Tidus wouldn't reject _him_.

There were no more words that could be said. They expressed what they had meant by actions. Their souls and bodies connected and they couldn't get enough. These were the words that couldn't of been said. Through primative actions they showed each other.

_I care. I'm sorry. I missed you._

It wasn't sex. It was love making. That night they had connected as if they were _soulmates_.

After a while, Auron felt Tidus' breath relax and fall into a steady rhythm. He thought he had fallen asleep and sighed. He gently smoothed the strands of goldern hair that stuck to Tidus' resting face. What should they do once morning comes? He couldn't keep a loving relationship with him, it would be impossible and it would hurt too much. This night was to let out the stress and let out the feelings they had harbored for so long. They had made love but he didn't know if he could love Tidus the way he wanted to for a long time. There wasn't much time for him left. Tidus didn't know, he shouldn't have to know. He didn't want to bring more bad news to his life. He wanted to just linger on this moment a little longer. He knew they had to forget this ever happened. Things were too complicated. But Auron did love him. That hurt him even more. He didn't want to give him high hopes and then having to leave him again. He didn't want to give _himself_ high hopes. It was only his duty to be here... Still more words that couldn't be said.

He kissed Tidus' sleeping eyes.

"Auron... I..."

He knew what he was going to say. The sleeping prince even wanted to confess his love for him even in his sleep. His heart hurt again, the familiar strain that had worn his soul down for years. The pain that would keep on wearing him down for more to come. Auron closed his eyes and entwined his fingers with Tidus' and held his hand tightly.

"Hush... Sleep and let this dream pass."

**Author's Note**: I wanted this story to be kind of angsty and I tried my best to portray how I think they would really feel and react. I wanted it to be deep. Sorry if it sucked, hey remember reviews are highly welcomed! Think it stunk? Give me a few pointers. Flamers will be ignored but my feelings would be hurt lol. I tried my best and I hope alot of you liked it! Review please! Thanks for taking the time to read this! Hope it didn't bore you to death. This is a cleaner version from adultfanfic.


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